February 3, 2023

At my last annual physical, I was half an inch shorter. Even when I stretched. As I get older it seems I’m shrinking. So is my world in many ways. The number of hours I want to be awake. The activities I’m called to engage in or able to engage in. Generally, I’m not concerned. Life is good and I assume I will be dead by the time I shrink to the point I can no longer see over the steering wheel. 

However there is one area currently causing a bit of consternation. The shrinking world of people I want to spend time with. As I sit here in February with a stack of Christmas cards from people I haven’t seen in years, with every intention of writing to them since we didn’t send out cards this year, I’m facing the reality that I really don’t want to be in touch any more. These cards seem a last gasp of relationships that died long ago. And my procrastination in writing to these folks seems a clear message that I’m not interested in breathing any life into those dying embers. As I write this, it seems harsh. But it’s real. 

There was a time when my relationships were beyond abundant. It was the time of our thriving graphic design business and my thriving consulting practice, a time when I was on countless boards and committees and a member of Rotary. It was a time when my circles of relationships included hundreds of people beyond family and friends. Over the years these layers of relationships have peeled away like the layers of an onion. Those Christmas cards are from people who clearly didn’t get the memo, perhaps because I never sent one out. 

Hundreds of people. That was big. Way too big for my life today. And apparently big by any standards. Evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar suggests the number of stable relationships people are cognitively able to maintain at once is around 150.

On the other end of the spectrum, my hermit husband is now delighted to sustain a number of relationships he can count on both hands. And most days even that’s too many for the man. For me this is way to small. I’ve been feeling a bit hermity out here in the woods as, from these covid years, I find so many friends are still reluctant to engage and gather in person. Too small. I feel most alive and vibrant when I’m with folks in Ireland, and on zoom with my sister circles. 

So. Invoking Goldilocks. It’s about coming to the size that’s just right. Just right for my spiritual journey, just right for my desire for quality time over quantity time. Just right for my life. Perhaps it’s time to toss those Christmas cards. Just right. 

Blessings of Crone Wisdom,
Judith